Sunday, December 15, 2019

OMG I AM IN PARIS

OMG i never thought i would come back and write a post again. I NEVER thought i would re-read my old posts again too because it just makes me feel awkward, like what was i really thinking?

But most importantly, i am so glad i documented all of my feelings, even though some are pretty stupid and sounds like just me rambling about my own problems but it was part of me growing up, and i really like the way i write to encourage myself. Well, i've been gone for 3 years and none of my feeling was documented and now looking back i have tonnes of thoughts i want to get it documented.

First of all, i am writing this post in my temporary hotel in Paris. Why am i ended up here? I was transferred by my company to work in Paris, with everything covered! How good is that? Yeah it was really a great opportunity, never in my mind would i have thought i would live in Paris. The past 3 years wasn't easy for me, i have lots of ups and downs and one of the few incidents was how i lost the opportunity to work overseas last year, i thought i was the best in the team and there is no reason they would not choose me but i was too naive. i had a really hard time picking myself up, i would tear every single time i talk about it even though i acted as if it was nothing. i doubt if i should keep the faith of working hard because clearly working hard and being the best performer in the team cannot really compare with what luck does.

Then i got transferred to another department 6 months after the incident. it was a relief for me because after what my managers did, by seeing her everyday just reminded me how hard the incident hit me and i will never be moving on if i stay. i came to the new department without any expectation at all, i was already broken, how much worse would i be. but soon enough i found myself start loving the job, i feel finally someone understands me, the environment is so vibrant and everyone is talking about ideas and improvements, and i love it! i slowly become motivated at work and becoming more open, i just can't wait to go to work everyday!

Fast forward to another 6 months, i have also managed to complete my project and gotten my promotion. it was such a great sense of achievement for me, not only that everyone was impressed with my presentation, they saw the great value i brought with the completion of my project and at the same time i am also doing very well in my new job. i gone through a total 6 interviews getting drilled on different topics and the day when i passed my promotion after presented my project, i was just spacing out and don't want to talk to anyone. i was thinking if this was a blessing in disguise because  everything happened around me was so good, and i am feeling so grateful for that! i still remembered back in those days when i was down, i am always doubting if everything happen for a reason. i even have this reminder quote from Dalai Lama written somewhere

"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck"

telling myself that, maybe what i want just not meant to be because i seriously got more than what i thought! i have a job that i love, i am well paid and most importantly i have great people around me, that is all i would ask for. i strongly believe this is my wonderful stroke of luck.

but the story doesn't end there. i have already given up my oversea dream and ready to settle down in Malaysia for good, i figured it out at the end of the day, it's the people who you work with matter the most, they are the one who add meaning to your day to day life. trust me, i have worked with shitty people, you just don't learn anything from them. just when i was enjoying my time here, i was presented with the offer to work in Paris. Guess what i accepted the offer and here i am! (of course, else i wouldn't be writing here.)

A lot of people have been telling me how lucky i am, yes i am lucky i admit this has nothing to do with capabilities. but somehow i don't feel this is my wonderful stroke of luck, i am grateful to have the opportunity but i was happy in my old place too, without this opportunity, i am still gonna be happy with where i am. then i finally understand the reason behind everything happened, without going through the process of disappointment, the process of getting up and keep fighting i wouldn't transform to who i am today. my inner paradigm completely shifted now and i no longer the low self esteem girl that who always crave for attention, who always seeking for approval. i don't know how it happened, there was just this one day that i realize how much i appreciated myself for coming so far, i started to talk good things to myself, the self assertion i gained was a whole new level of me. and honestly i liked this version of myself, more than ever!

Till then, ciao ciao.

Spot the rainbow, can you?


Saturday, July 2, 2016

因为我们不可能永远幸福

生命是很奇妙的,同样事在不同的时段里,却有着完全不同的感觉。也许没有事情是可以沉得住时间给予的变化,不管是曾经难过的还是曾经开心的都会随时间的流逝而慢慢变淡,快乐不是生命的目的地,因为我们不可能永远幸福。

生命是参杂着酸甜苦辣,因为苦才会感觉甜,也因为甜才觉得苦,我们不能因为不喜欢苦的味道而选择跳过人生的一部分,倘若没有了苦头,我们更不会珍惜得来不易的幸福。以前总是在拔牙迷着眼的时候,心里会一直默念:跳过这一小时吧,跳过就好了。然后也会在失恋的时候心里默念:时间快点过去吧,过去就好了。可是倘若没有了这些经历,我们都不能活得更加坦然释怀,既然都是会过去的,既然已经知道过了就好了,与其浪费时间等待时间的过去,何不享受这样的时光,好好痛一场,不必担心什么时候才会过去,当过了时候你一定会知道的。

都说了生命是很奇妙的,你不会用同样的方式去感受同样的痛苦,同样的笑话听多了也变得不好笑,所以能够享受的时候,不管好的坏的,通通一起享受吧。

Friday, November 13, 2015

7年之痒

回首从前,还真是傻得可爱。

7年了,自第一个Post到现在。虽然不是很常更新可是至少有心事的时候我还是会来写一写。好庆幸没有删除部落格,有好几次真的想删除可是里面有太多的回忆,太多的成长心情,所以都下不了手。还好还在,所以今天就翻了翻看看以前的自己,才发现原来以前是那么幼稚,那么傻,还真的超级傻。(笑)

刚开始写的时候真的都不会去在意那么多别人看了会怎么想,就真的单纯把自己的想发写出来而已,虽然老土,可是却有一种很真的感觉,根本就没想过别人看了会不会觉得我很幼稚啊还是透漏太多私人资讯啦,如果现在的我能够再一次像那样不知有多好。无须去在意自己做什么说什么别人会怎么想,虽然我并不会在意每一个人的想法可是那些比我有能力的人,我总是不能做我自己。深怕说错一句话就会被取笑。我总是学不会,如何平等的在每一个人面前做自己。

其实我并不是没有自己的想法,我只是在这些人的面前因为太在意了他们怎么看我,而脑袋不能好好的运作,有时还会一片空白不知怎么沟通。也或许是这样的缘故,我总是没有遇到喜欢自己的人,因为在喜欢的人的面前,我都没好好在做我自己。

眼看这一年又要结束了,我还没准备好就27了。单身没有不好,只是有人疼的日子会过得比较快乐吧,可是与其跟一个不喜欢的人勉强在一起,那我还是选择单身好了。(笑)


Sunday, October 4, 2015

Just rambling

Today is 3rd October 2015. It has been 10 months since last post. I've been busy, 2015 has been treating me good and i am really grateful for that. I have changed to a new job 2 months ago, it was painful to leave my last company, especially the colleagues and my passion towards my work. But i was too comfortable, and i must get out of there because there is no way to settle down in such an early age. It has been a completely change of environment, the offer was good, good enough to get myself a new car and move to a new place. It was a good sense of accomplishment, you know when you finally able to pay off everything for your first ride, without using any support from your parents, it was indeed feel like a victory. I was so exciting to start my new job, to face all the challenges but i never knew what was waiting for me.

i wouldn't say it started badly, everyone has their own expectation perhaps mine was a little overrated. i thought i was ready with all the challenges, to be not comfortable, so that i know where should i improve. Honestly, feeling lost is not the kind of challenges i am expecting, i always take one step at a time, i told myself not to rush things, all the effort will pull off with perseverance. i just have to continue with what i have to do. Perhaps i was expecting something different, something i could apply my experience instead of starting everything all over again like a fresh out trainee. i tried to talk to people who might have the same experience as me, it helped a little but it didn't motivate me. i tried not to think too much about it, i tried to go with the flow, and keep reminding myself "Don't get too emotional, have faith". i have this in mind every time my emotion strike. it helped a little although not every time.

but it doesn't end there, it got worse when i met this guy. i am gonna just skip all the story on how it begin to how it should end, cause when you finally know the guy wasn't mean for you, there is no point of documenting down how it starts. As usual, i was pretty good in one sided relationship, and frankly speaking, it felt awful especially when you find out it's not you that he is into. All the self doubt and questioning begin, am i not pretty enough? am i not attractive enough? am i not funny enough? but it's all has nothing to do with you. if he is not into you, he is not meant for you. If he is the one, you will be naturally pretty and attractive to him, even the most boring thing you said he will finds it funny too. i kind of accepted the fact with a peaceful heart, but it still hurt though. i seriously don't know what to feel anymore, crying out loud doesn't seem worth it, i guess i should leave, i think i'll be better off without seeing him everyday.

i used to be a full believer on there is reason behind everything happened, that God has plan for everything. but i am not anymore, i feel He is too busy taking care of everyone else then he forgot some, and i am just happened to be one of them. I wish i am more ambitious, like people who have dreams to travel around the world or be a millionaire. I was once had dreams like these too, i wish to travel, i wish to have a lot of money, i wish to have my own house. But when i imagine myself dream come true, i would still be holding another dream, that is i wish there is someone i can share everything with.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A little thought for my 2015 Part 1

Working life has become a routine now, there are no longer constant craving for challenges, I was a totally different person back then, I know I have lost the fire and everything is going back where I started. It is easy to fall into the pry of money I guess, I keep looking to have more cause I'm not able to hold myself comparing with others that's why I become greedier and greedier. Increment was no longer a relief of burden but the desire to have more, goal was no longer a goal for self satisfaction, the heat has slowly faded away and I am feeling lost more than ever.

I didn't know how it happened, I am all at a sudden lost my purpose and goal. No it's not that I didn't achieve any of my goal, in fact I have gotten what I once wanted but now I have gotten, what should I do next? Imagine you have a dream, have you ever think of what to do next when your dream come true? There is no happily ever after, eventually you will bored of what you have and wanted something else. Perhaps I've always been not appreciative, not realizing how things should be appreciated until I lost it. Or perhaps I should set myself a more difficult goal, to keep the dog chasing its tail.

I have always miss my university life, it was such a life that full of purpose and motivation. I'm been really lucky to have great people around me that time so that I'm able to grow. But I don't think surround yourself with great people is a choice, you don't choose your friend and colleagues. I never believe in choosing who should be around us, cause relationship is all about chemical, if it's work out it will else don't force the relationship. Not to mention about colleagues, the people that spent most of our time with, whether you like it or not they are there and the only thing you do is to accept it. The company name may sound fancy but not until you work with the people and each team acquire different culture so it's all depend your luck.

Of course it all started with luck, but then what happen next it's all depend your attitude. What you do determine how people treat you. I guess I don't buy the idea of surround ourselves with great people is that I believe we can be that great people too, why bother to search while you can just be one?

Thursday, December 25, 2014

2015

6 more days to go and we will be in a brand new year.

Things haven't been going well lately, i wouldn't say 2014 is not a year for me because i was happy, i was happy i am able to sleep well, i was happy for being able to slim down a little bit, i was happy being able to travel alone,  i was happy for being in a job i always wanted but now, i hesitated, i wasn't really sure how is this going to end. I started to wonder if i was strong enough to handle it alone, i know it is going to be hard and being independent is never an issue for me, but i never knew i'd ever want to depend on someone too. 

Perhaps i am taken too many things for granted, i never really care about nurturing a friendship, i am so confined in my own world that i don't want to spend too much effort on others. Simply because i find very few friends that worth giving for. I am a typical introvert, at times i ignore texts or calls from people i don't want to talk to, sometimes i find excuses to reject outings with people i don't feel like to hanging out with, i find gathering draining my energy and i always can't wait to go home. I know it doesn't sound like a healthy life style, all these anti social behavior, but when it comes to people i find worth the effort, it feels like i can be with them forever. it feels so comfortable even when no one is talking, i can always be the craziest version of myself, because you know them so well that they don't care who you are, be it you are at your best or worst, they are there because it's simply just you. 

But i think 2014 was enough introvert for me, as much as i really wanna just stay home and be myself but looking at where i am now i think i need to make things change because i don't think i wanna spend another year wasted. I've been there, i've tried and it's time for some thing else. I am gonna set a list of 2015 resolution for myself, although i've been reluctant to do so because i am so bad at it, my 2014 was just to be myself, follow my heart then i think 2015 would be exploring the world at my own way. It doesn't have to be a complete changes, just take one step at a time, i believe slowly things would fall along the way. 

Friday, September 5, 2014

20 Facts about me

As much as I hate how the trend going on throughout the internet, I like reading people "20 Facts about me" and I thought it would be nice to think one for my own. Here are the list of 20 facts about me:

1. I am getting 25 next month and I am still single and I love my family more than any stage of my life now.
2. My English name is Jane and I have only started using it since my first job, it was adopted from the very first novel I read, Jane Eyre and I never finish reading it.
3. When I got really into a book, I can finish it in one day.
4. I love to share happiness, especially with people I like, when I got really excited on something I'd keep on telling them the same thing.
5. I cook most of the times for my meal and my cooking skills still suck.
6. I find it satisfying when I get to buy something cheap but good quality because it is easy to get a good stuff as long as you have the money, but cheap and nice don't come easy and sometimes it is about luck.
7. I don't like calling myself thrifty because I would not buy something I don't need and if I really want something, I'd go for it no matter how.
8. I need to go to bed before my roomate in order to get a good night sleep.
9. I avoid to dislike someone, because that would means that person doesn't like you either.
10. I spend more time in listening to my parents now, simply just nod and listen because I feel that is the only thing I can do for them.
11. Sometimes I am fighting with my own voices more than anything else.
12. I inspired by people who have clear vision on what they want and always open minded to knowing more.
13. I really love peanut butter and banana!
14. I hate people wasting food especially those who knows they couldn't finish but still ordering it.
15. I love people who are a dustbin eater!
16. I love all pretty stuffs and pretty people but I have my own definition on defining pretty.
17. I want to try a trendy make up very much for a really long time but I never know how.
18. I used to scare if I would still be single by age 30, but then I decided I want to live now.
19. I express my appreciation to someone by how much manner I put up with them, the more I respect someone the more I appreciate them.
20. I used to think if I have children of my own one day, I'd want them to learn piano, ballet, swimming, dancing but now I think I only want to teach them two things, manner and the value of things not the price of it.