因为我们不可能永远幸福

生命是很奇妙的，同样事在不同的时段里，却有着完全不同的感觉。也许没有事情是可以沉得住时间给予的变化，不管是曾经难过的还是曾经开心的都会随时间的流逝而慢慢变淡，快乐不是生命的目的地，因为我们不可能永远幸福。

生命是参杂着酸甜苦辣，因为苦才会感觉甜，也因为甜才觉得苦，我们不能因为不喜欢苦的味道而选择跳过人生的一部分，倘若没有了苦头，我们更不会珍惜得来不易的幸福。以前总是在拔牙迷着眼的时候，心里会一直默念：跳过这一小时吧，跳过就好了。然后也会在失恋的时候心里默念：时间快点过去吧，过去就好了。可是倘若没有了这些经历，我们都不能活得更加坦然释怀，既然都是会过去的，既然已经知道过了就好了，与其浪费时间等待时间的过去，何不享受这样的时光，好好痛一场，不必担心什么时候才会过去，当过了时候你一定会知道的。

都说了生命是很奇妙的，你不会用同样的方式去感受同样的痛苦，同样的笑话听多了也变得不好笑，所以能够享受的时候，不管好的坏的，通通一起享受吧。

7年之痒

回首从前，还真是傻得可爱。

7年了，自第一个Post到现在。虽然不是很常更新可是至少有心事的时候我还是会来写一写。好庆幸没有删除部落格，有好几次真的想删除可是里面有太多的回忆，太多的成长心情，所以都下不了手。还好还在，所以今天就翻了翻看看以前的自己，才发现原来以前是那么幼稚，那么傻，还真的超级傻。（笑）

刚开始写的时候真的都不会去在意那么多别人看了会怎么想，就真的单纯把自己的想发写出来而已，虽然老土，可是却有一种很真的感觉，根本就没想过别人看了会不会觉得我很幼稚啊还是透漏太多私人资讯啦，如果现在的我能够再一次像那样不知有多好。无须去在意自己做什么说什么别人会怎么想，虽然我并不会在意每一个人的想法可是那些比我有能力的人，我总是不能做我自己。深怕说错一句话就会被取笑。我总是学不会，如何平等的在每一个人面前做自己。

其实我并不是没有自己的想法，我只是在这些人的面前因为太在意了他们怎么看我，而脑袋不能好好的运作，有时还会一片空白不知怎么沟通。也或许是这样的缘故，我总是没有遇到喜欢自己的人，因为在喜欢的人的面前，我都没好好在做我自己。

眼看这一年又要结束了，我还没准备好就27了。单身没有不好，只是有人疼的日子会过得比较快乐吧，可是与其跟一个不喜欢的人勉强在一起，那我还是选择单身好了。（笑）

Just rambling

Today is 3rd October 2015. It has been 10 months since last post. I've been busy, 2015 has been treating me good and i am really grateful for that. I have changed to a new job 2 months ago, it was painful to leave my last company, especially the colleagues and my passion towards my work. But i was too comfortable, and i must get out of there because there is no way to settle down in such an early age. It has been a completely change of environment, the offer was good, good enough to get myself a new car and move to a new place. It was a good sense of accomplishment, you know when you finally able to pay off everything for your first ride, without using any support from your parents, it was indeed feel like a victory. I was so exciting to start my new job, to face all the challenges but i never knew what was waiting for me.

i wouldn't say it started badly, everyone has their own expectation perhaps mine was a little overrated. i thought i was ready with all the challenges, to be not comfortable, so that i know where should i improve. Honestly, feeling lost is not the kind of challenges i am expecting, i always take one step at a time, i told myself not to rush things, all the effort will pull off with perseverance. i just have to continue with what i have to do. Perhaps i was expecting something different, something i could apply my experience instead of starting everything all over again like a fresh out trainee. i tried to talk to people who might have the same experience as me, it helped a little but it didn't motivate me. i tried not to think too much about it, i tried to go with the flow, and keep reminding myself "Don't get too emotional, have faith". i have this in mind every time my emotion strike. it helped a little although not every time.

but it doesn't end there, it got worse when i met this guy. i am gonna just skip all the story on how it begin to how it should end, cause when you finally know the guy wasn't mean for you, there is no point of documenting down how it starts. As usual, i was pretty good in one sided relationship, and frankly speaking, it felt awful especially when you find out it's not you that he is into. All the self doubt and questioning begin, am i not pretty enough? am i not attractive enough? am i not funny enough? but it's all has nothing to do with you. if he is not into you, he is not meant for you. If he is the one, you will be naturally pretty and attractive to him, even the most boring thing you said he will finds it funny too. i kind of accepted the fact with a peaceful heart, but it still hurt though. i seriously don't know what to feel anymore, crying out loud doesn't seem worth it, i guess i should leave, i think i'll be better off without seeing him everyday.

i used to be a full believer on there is reason behind everything happened, that God has plan for everything. but i am not anymore, i feel He is too busy taking care of everyone else then he forgot some, and i am just happened to be one of them. I wish i am more ambitious, like people who have dreams to travel around the world or be a millionaire. I was once had dreams like these too, i wish to travel, i wish to have a lot of money, i wish to have my own house. But when i imagine myself dream come true, i would still be holding another dream, that is i wish there is someone i can share everything with.

A little thought for my 2015 Part 1

Working life has become a routine now, there are no longer constant craving for challenges, I was a totally different person back then, I know I have lost the fire and everything is going back where I started. It is easy to fall into the pry of money I guess, I keep looking to have more cause I'm not able to hold myself comparing with others that's why I become greedier and greedier. Increment was no longer a relief of burden but the desire to have more, goal was no longer a goal for self satisfaction, the heat has slowly faded away and I am feeling lost more than ever.

I didn't know how it happened, I am all at a sudden lost my purpose and goal. No it's not that I didn't achieve any of my goal, in fact I have gotten what I once wanted but now I have gotten, what should I do next? Imagine you have a dream, have you ever think of what to do next when your dream come true? There is no happily ever after, eventually you will bored of what you have and wanted something else. Perhaps I've always been not appreciative, not realizing how things should be appreciated until I lost it. Or perhaps I should set myself a more difficult goal, to keep the dog chasing its tail.

I have always miss my university life, it was such a life that full of purpose and motivation. I'm been really lucky to have great people around me that time so that I'm able to grow. But I don't think surround yourself with great people is a choice, you don't choose your friend and colleagues. I never believe in choosing who should be around us, cause relationship is all about chemical, if it's work out it will else don't force the relationship. Not to mention about colleagues, the people that spent most of our time with, whether you like it or not they are there and the only thing you do is to accept it. The company name may sound fancy but not until you work with the people and each team acquire different culture so it's all depend your luck.

Of course it all started with luck, but then what happen next it's all depend your attitude. What you do determine how people treat you. I guess I don't buy the idea of surround ourselves with great people is that I believe we can be that great people too, why bother to search while you can just be one?

2015

6 more days to go and we will be in a brand new year.

Things haven't been going well lately, i wouldn't say 2014 is not a year for me because i was happy, i was happy i am able to sleep well, i was happy for being able to slim down a little bit, i was happy being able to travel alone,  i was happy for being in a job i always wanted but now, i hesitated, i wasn't really sure how is this going to end. I started to wonder if i was strong enough to handle it alone, i know it is going to be hard and being independent is never an issue for me, but i never knew i'd ever want to depend on someone too. 

Perhaps i am taken too many things for granted, i never really care about nurturing a friendship, i am so confined in my own world that i don't want to spend too much effort on others. Simply because i find very few friends that worth giving for. I am a typical introvert, at times i ignore texts or calls from people i don't want to talk to, sometimes i find excuses to reject outings with people i don't feel like to hanging out with, i find gathering draining my energy and i always can't wait to go home. I know it doesn't sound like a healthy life style, all these anti social behavior, but when it comes to people i find worth the effort, it feels like i can be with them forever. it feels so comfortable even when no one is talking, i can always be the craziest version of myself, because you know them so well that they don't care who you are, be it you are at your best or worst, they are there because it's simply just you. 

But i think 2014 was enough introvert for me, as much as i really wanna just stay home and be myself but looking at where i am now i think i need to make things change because i don't think i wanna spend another year wasted. I've been there, i've tried and it's time for some thing else. I am gonna set a list of 2015 resolution for myself, although i've been reluctant to do so because i am so bad at it, my 2014 was just to be myself, follow my heart then i think 2015 would be exploring the world at my own way. It doesn't have to be a complete changes, just take one step at a time, i believe slowly things would fall along the way. 

20 Facts about me

As much as I hate how the trend going on throughout the internet, I like reading people "20 Facts about me" and I thought it would be nice to think one for my own. Here are the list of 20 facts about me:

1. I am getting 25 next month and I am still single and I love my family more than any stage of my life now.
2. My English name is Jane and I have only started using it since my first job, it was adopted from the very first novel I read, Jane Eyre and I never finish reading it.
3. When I got really into a book, I can finish it in one day.
4. I love to share happiness, especially with people I like, when I got really excited on something I'd keep on telling them the same thing.
5. I cook most of the times for my meal and my cooking skills still suck.
6. I find it satisfying when I get to buy something cheap but good quality because it is easy to get a good stuff as long as you have the money, but cheap and nice don't come easy and sometimes it is about luck.
7. I don't like calling myself thrifty because I would not buy something I don't need and if I really want something, I'd go for it no matter how.
8. I need to go to bed before my roomate in order to get a good night sleep.
9. I avoid to dislike someone, because that would means that person doesn't like you either.
10. I spend more time in listening to my parents now, simply just nod and listen because I feel that is the only thing I can do for them.
11. Sometimes I am fighting with my own voices more than anything else.
12. I inspired by people who have clear vision on what they want and always open minded to knowing more.
13. I really love peanut butter and banana!
14. I hate people wasting food especially those who knows they couldn't finish but still ordering it.
15. I love people who are a dustbin eater!
16. I love all pretty stuffs and pretty people but I have my own definition on defining pretty.
17. I want to try a trendy make up very much for a really long time but I never know how.
18. I used to scare if I would still be single by age 30, but then I decided I want to live now.
19. I express my appreciation to someone by how much manner I put up with them, the more I respect someone the more I appreciate them.
20. I used to think if I have children of my own one day, I'd want them to learn piano, ballet, swimming, dancing but now I think I only want to teach them two things, manner and the value of things not the price of it.

The beauty lies within.

I am beginning to feel myself getting more and more comfortable in where I am now. I have a job that I like, a wage that could support my living and sometimes my craving, a rented room that I love with a calm and quite environment, a few friends that I can hanging out with, a gym routine that I have developed to keep me healthy, I can't think of anything to complain right now. I am happy with my current life and I am not intended to change that at all. But being comfortable at one stage is also means that you are not making any progress, you are not improving yourself, what I mean here is in terms of mindset.

I have slowly discovered myself spending lesser and lesser time on thinking, on the good side is it prevents me from overthinking, on the other side, as I don't practice this habits that often, it affects me a lot when I faced challenging question. I used to write it here when I am discovering how certain issue affects me and others, it helped in some way on my personal values and beliefs although some of it may seems controversial to one another, nonetheless those opinions are planted in my mind and when I come across the same issue again I know what are my standpoints. So I shall proceed to make the page active again, I will not emphasize on how I write this time cause sometimes I putting too much effort on constructing words and grammar, it made me writes slow and when it is slow, I give up writing.

I have recently discovered a video which I find it quite meaning, to women. Beauty is always what the world defines us, a woman should be fair, skinny, well dressed, speak softly, walk slowly, hit gently and etc. I am not saying if we are not fall into one of the categories then we are not women, I mean it always have been there, when you say fair, you think of a girl, when you say skinny it should be a girl, when you say walk like a girl, you walk slowly. In either way, those words are defining us and affects how we live our life because the world made us believe that, a girl is better gets her hand dirty on a kitchen instead of a garage. I guess there is always a definition for everything, but the most important thing is that don't let it defines your self worth. Just because you don't have a pretty face, you don't worth a respect, just because you are not skinny you can't be a model, just because you hit gently it doesn't mean you can't fight. Your values are lies on how you think about yourself, beauty may just be a path that make us happy and confident, but it is not the only path, age doesn't sustain beauty and your happiness and confidence should not faded with it together.