Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get lost and find a better one.

Have been lost for a while but I am all good now. Can't imagine if I keep thinking negatively and cannot direct myself from swaying away, I would have still locking myself in the dark room. I should be grateful for having the ability to adjust myself in this short period, well if one month is considered short. I have been spending the past one month worrying about my tomorrow, though I keep on telling myself do not afraid what the future might bring you but I still can't get away from the anxiousness. I hate asking for help, I hate to admit that I need someone to talk to me, to give me advice, to comfort me. It's not solely because I feel shame to admit that I am not capable and strong enough to handle my problem, it is also because I know better than anyone that, no one is able to help if you do not help yourself. This is part of the reason I dislike discussing problems with people, I know myself, I am very stubborn, for everything that people advised me I won't take it unless the person understand who I am. But unfortunately this person haven't come to me yet.

You can't expect a rainbow without a little rain. I am not really enjoy dancing in the rain though, it's a process that everyone must go through and I am lucky enough to see the rainbow again. It's very true that people said, sometimes on the way to the dream, you get lost and find a better one and I think I found a better one. I am not sure will I get lost again in the future but at least this is the best one I decided for myself right now. I haven't abandoned my interest in writing though, I still love reading as usual, sometimes words are over my head and I have figured a new way to improve my writing. And my drawing, have been improved drastically, I worked my ass off for my 100 days challenges and whenever I draw, I couldn't stop. Sometimes I hope I am an artist, if I were, I would bury myself in my studio everyday and enjoy each moment of it. But I weren't, cause interest doesn't define your talent and capability, you got to find something you are really good at cause reality is more important, unless you have a dream that you would die for, then go for it.

This rain had been pretty prickling, it hit me to the core of my heart, I always thought what I have been through in the three years campus life is a 180 degree turning point in my life but it was not as drastic as this time. I was really lost and helpless, at one point I was so regret that I never take my academic result seriously, I regretted that I changed course, I regretted that I joined AIESEC, out of the sudden I was so regret than everything I chose, as if the dreamland that I was building suddenly all turned into ashes. Looking back make me miserable and it is so haziness in front of me, I have no idea where I should heading to then I realised the only thing I can do now is look in the present. I never understand the quotes saying live in the present, though I posted few times before as I recalled, but I can proudly say I am now. :)

I believe there are going to be hell lots of ups and downs in the future, the feeling of lost, frustration, disappointments is an inevitable process in growing up and it is certainly not an enjoyable feeling at all. But you can't blindly letting the feeling rotting you away bit by bit, since you can't avoid it why not benefit it? Trust me, if you able to benefit these destructing process in life, you will be the inspiration ultimately cause most of the people ignored problems, if they can't solve they just get used to it and that is part of the reason why some people live unhappily. So never settled! Never settled for the life that you don't want to live in, learn a little selfishness, don't expect people to change but be the change instead, don't blame anyone, don't blame yourself, ask yourself what can you do to make the best out of the worst situation, if you haven't get what you want after working for so hard then work smart, because I believe God only help those who helps themselves.


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