Sunday, October 4, 2015

Just rambling

Today is 3rd October 2015. It has been 10 months since last post. I've been busy, 2015 has been treating me good and i am really grateful for that. I have changed to a new job 2 months ago, it was painful to leave my last company, especially the colleagues and my passion towards my work. But i was too comfortable, and i must get out of there because there is no way to settle down in such an early age. It has been a completely change of environment, the offer was good, good enough to get myself a new car and move to a new place. It was a good sense of accomplishment, you know when you finally able to pay off everything for your first ride, without using any support from your parents, it was indeed feel like a victory. I was so exciting to start my new job, to face all the challenges but i never knew what was waiting for me.

i wouldn't say it started badly, everyone has their own expectation perhaps mine was a little overrated. i thought i was ready with all the challenges, to be not comfortable, so that i know where should i improve. Honestly, feeling lost is not the kind of challenges i am expecting, i always take one step at a time, i told myself not to rush things, all the effort will pull off with perseverance. i just have to continue with what i have to do. Perhaps i was expecting something different, something i could apply my experience instead of starting everything all over again like a fresh out trainee. i tried to talk to people who might have the same experience as me, it helped a little but it didn't motivate me. i tried not to think too much about it, i tried to go with the flow, and keep reminding myself "Don't get too emotional, have faith". i have this in mind every time my emotion strike. it helped a little although not every time.

but it doesn't end there, it got worse when i met this guy. i am gonna just skip all the story on how it begin to how it should end, cause when you finally know the guy wasn't mean for you, there is no point of documenting down how it starts. As usual, i was pretty good in one sided relationship, and frankly speaking, it felt awful especially when you find out it's not you that he is into. All the self doubt and questioning begin, am i not pretty enough? am i not attractive enough? am i not funny enough? but it's all has nothing to do with you. if he is not into you, he is not meant for you. If he is the one, you will be naturally pretty and attractive to him, even the most boring thing you said he will finds it funny too. i kind of accepted the fact with a peaceful heart, but it still hurt though. i seriously don't know what to feel anymore, crying out loud doesn't seem worth it, i guess i should leave, i think i'll be better off without seeing him everyday.

i used to be a full believer on there is reason behind everything happened, that God has plan for everything. but i am not anymore, i feel He is too busy taking care of everyone else then he forgot some, and i am just happened to be one of them. I wish i am more ambitious, like people who have dreams to travel around the world or be a millionaire. I was once had dreams like these too, i wish to travel, i wish to have a lot of money, i wish to have my own house. But when i imagine myself dream come true, i would still be holding another dream, that is i wish there is someone i can share everything with.

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